Sunday, 10 May 2009

The Child Vs The Fan



Plaintiff: The Small Noisy One, age two and a quarter. Parented (and I use the word loosely) by Goy (The first defendant, see below) and the Feminist Mrs Goy. (Goy strongly believes that it takes a village to raise a child. However Goy prefers to live in the city and to allow someone else's village to raise his child. Mrs Goy's views on this matter are not recorded).

Defendant: Goy - Delinquent parent and all round reprobate. Father to the Plaintiff. A big fan of popular music.

Causa Belli:

Plaintiff: Tonight, the popular British beat combo Depeche Mode will be performing in Tel Aviv. Goy, starved of decent (and affordable) live music performances since relocating to Israel, secured two tickets to said performance in November 2008, and has marked off every day since then on a little calender, salivating in eager anticipation...

Judge: Get on with it, what's the problem?

Plaintiff: Ah. The problem. Well, your Honour, tonight also happens to be the evening of the Small Noisy One's Lag B'Omer bonfire at his Kindergarten.

Judge: Mmm...I see

Plaintiff: The Small Noisy One has been looking forward to the bonfire for quite some time

Defendant: Objection! I've been looking forward to Depeche Mode for, like, forever!

Judge: Speak when spoken to, thank you very much

Plaintiff: This isn't the point. The Defendant's duty towards his first born should outweigh his desire to engage in an evening of shouting, singing and drunken cheering. If nothing else, he gets to sing and shout whilst drunk at home most evenings.

Defendant: That's slanderous. I don't sing...

Judge: What do you have to say in your defence, Goy?

Goy: Well, I have an established love for popular music, m'lud...

Judge: Evidence?

Defendant: Exhibit 2, m'lud, below...
(A cross section of Goy's CD collection)



(Shouting from the Gallery: Rabbits, they multiply like rabbits!)

Judge: Please step forward and address the Bench formally

Mrs Goy: They multiply like rabbits! I turn my back for a minute and he has bought 10 more! He doesn't even listen to them! He just stands and drools at them...he even spends the housekeeping money on them! We'll starve, I tell you, we'll starve...

Goy (calmly): Which establishes the fact that I am a committed devotee and patron of the arts, your Honour. Besides, Mrs Goy is coming with me to the concert...

Mrs Goy: He told me it was free, your Honour! I took pity on him, poor wretched Goy far away from home...

Judge: Thank you, Mrs Goy, You may return to the gallery...

Feminist Mrs Goy: Chauvinist!

Goy: To contine, your Honour, Israel is a cultural desert, as far as the arts are concerned. Visits by esteemed international acts, by fellow goyim held in such high esteem in this country, are few and far between...

Judge: Do you have any evidence to support this statement?

Goy: I refer m'lud to a report in the Ha'aretz newspaper of Friday May 8th. I quote: "For their first concert in Israel, the band requested that the the crew prepare a juice machine and peeled carrots for them. They also requested honey and vitamin C tablets, along with vodka, wine and beer.."

Judge: Your point being...?

Goy: My point being that such level of interest in the minutiae of the arrangements confirms the rarity of visits such as this.

Judge: I understand that this...popular beat combo...have visited Eretz Israel before. Is this correct?

Goy: erm...not quite, your Honour. They were due to visit a few years ago, but the concert was cancelled because of the War.

Judge: Which war?

Goy: I forget, your Honour. So many wars...

Judge: (Sharply) Continue!

Goy: So I must argue that it would be a gross dereliction of my duty to myself, and thus to my family, if I give a bonfire precedence over Depeche Mode this evening...

Judge: (Peering over glasses sternly) A bonfire? Bar Kochba? The revolt? You dismiss this as a mere bonfire?*

Goy: No, your Honour...I mean...proud history...Jewish people...HaTikva...would not dare besmirch...(hangs head and mumbles. Senses that he is losing the argument)

Feminist Mrs Goy: (Screeching from the balcony) He's seen them three times already, your Honour...

Judge: Is this true?

Goy: Well, Crystal Palace 1993 doesn't count. I don't remember anything...

Judge: This is most irregular. Under the circumstances, I must say that I think that the needs of the Small Noisy One...

Goy: (Desperately) Your Honour, the tickets cost NIS 600!

Mrs Goy: NIS 600? And we're eating Falafel twice a day?

Goy: And, of course, there's the Grandmother...

Judge, Mrs Goy and Small Noisy One together: Grandmother?

Goy: Yes, she has agreed to take the Small Noisy One to the Bonfire...

Small Noisy One: Grandma...Bamba?

Goy: Yes, my son, Grandmother will have Bamba

Small Noisy One: Me want Grandmother

Goy: And of course, it will be a rare opportunity for Goy and Mrs Goy to spend an evening of quality time together, in the company of 40,000 other like minded people...

Mrs Goy: Aw...how sweet

Judge: You win. Enjoy Depeche Mode. But brush up on your Jewish History, ok?

Goy: Of course, your Honour...



*There are other competing theories about the origins of Lag B'Omer. But they are all religious, and I can't find anyone competent enough to explain them to me right now. And the Wikipedia entry is too long to read. So I'm sticking to the Roman Revolt...

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Ths is just an elaborate ruse to get out of working at the moment. But, sadly, I'm going to have to go back to work now. To pay for the tickets...

Hope to see you there!

4 comments:

Tim said...

Popular beat combo? Splendid, daddy-o! I hope you and Mrs G had a suitably groovy time :)

Goy said...

Yeah, it was fun. Not the best concert I've been to - or even the best Depeche Mode concert I've been to - but good fun nonetheless :-)

Anonymous said...

To feed your hunger for concerts, check http://www.monocrave.com for gigs from European indie artists that perform in Israel.

Goy said...

will do, thanks